throwing hissy fits
speaking but never acting,
doing with no commitment.
Inconsistencies in your presense
like a magical act,
throwing hissy fits
speaking but never acting,
doing with no commitment.
Inconsistencies in your presense
like a magical act,
When will we be united,
when will our souls stop feeling the loss of you,
when will you recognize that its time for you to stand up for us
when will you stop being apart of what hurts us
When will you see that together we are better than apart
when will we stop shedding tears because you keep messing with our hearts
When will we not need to be strong
When will we be able to unlaod some of the burdens
When will we be able to not demand better, but experience it
When will you recognize that we are a reflection of each other, that if you’re broken then we are also
When will we be able to recieve full comfort and support from you with all that we face
When will we recover our value and our grace
Recognizing that we are together in this space
Fighting together for the upliftment of our race
We need you, we need you to stop being part of the reason we are broken
we need you to see each of us, whether you know us or not
as a sister, a mother or daughter – and want the best for us
We need you to get away from the promiscuity,
This was taught to you to break our family
we need our daughters and sons to see
the reflection of what our creator meant things to be
the black man together with a black woman, like yin and yan
working together, not in competition.
Let your black woman help you and show you support
Let us love you and be your mate
that’s how we started out black man
and even though it may seem so, I dont think its too late
But everytime I am hurt by another one of you
I cant help but lose faith
But I dont want it to be, black man
Because I know that there is none like you and they were wrong
I know the struggles you’ve had to bare, and I know you are strong
but the same struggles are what we share, so allow us to be there
We need each other, cause together is the only way we can answer
Let when be now.
Today while I was walking to the car park coming from class, I overheard a group of boys (pre-university students) having a discussion. I really didn’t hear the whole gist of their conversation so I cant explain the genesis but what I did hear was one explaining that if a girl should say something to a guy that embarrasses him in public that his only choice would be to “box her in the face and hide away in the crowd”.
I was appalled.
None of the other members of the group rebutted him and to tell you the truth neither did I. Maybe I should have stopped and said something but I really had to leave to get to work.
But I still was concerned about what I had heard.
The most recent devastation in Jamaica is where a man beheaded his ex-girlfriend and mother of his four kids without any remorse I am sure. These random acts of violence have been recurring in our society and they have their genesis with these little boys learning from their fathers and then growing up to teach their kids that the only way to deal with women is to “box them in the face” if their behaviour offends them.
I recently completed teaching practice as part of my studies and while at the school, I felt like I was in a war zone. .Twenty four seven, the seven graders would be at each others throats. Every single utterance warranted a fight and their was no distinction between gender in these fights. The girls believe it or not were just as hostile towards each other and the towards the boys and vice versa. They frequently took up chars to throw at each other, rocks, the broom that swept the class room and other objects were turned into tools to inflict pain on each other.
Though I grew up in Jamaica and live here, I still was quite shocked because I have never been in an environment that displayed such hostility. Apart from the constant fighting, these kids had not a kind word for each other. They referred to each other has idiots, fools, and other derogatory names that are too lewd for my blog – and yes these are high school students.
The incident of today reminded me of this experience and has also solidified the fact that violence against women – and men – in Jamaica will continue to be an issue for years to come because the behaviour is continuously being instilled in the children who will grow up to reproduce what they have learned.
Too many of our children are growing up with little of no display of or contact with positive emotions such as love, caring, forgiveness. Too many parents are still damaging their kids by only scolding when they are wrong and not saying a kind word to them when they have done well. An even worst, too many parents are being rude to and mistreating their spouses in the presence of their kids. Too many are displaying, lauding and reinforcing negative behaviour in our children.
I have no cure for this issue and I am sure that I have nothing to say about it that has not been said already but I guess its my duty and the duty of others to spread the word.
I may not be able to help those kids that have already been marred but I can surely ensure that when I have my child, I will grow a well adjusted, positive child who will hopefully bring more love and respect into the world. I would also hope that for those who have kids now, that you would look into the things that you allow your kids to be exposed to – the excessively violent movies, video games, you beating your spouses or degrading and disrespecting them, etc.
Violence like kindness is a learned behaviour so we have to display and teach what we want our kids to learn. As it is now, there is clearly an imbalance in the level of kindness versus violence that our kids and even us adults are exposed to and we really need to adjust this before we are further damned as a society.
When looking at the word monotonous what comes to mind is;
“dull, tedious, and repetitious; lacking in variety and interest”
I’m not sure if anyone would agree with me but men these days say they want to get to know you but their conversations with you never graduate from
“Hey, whats up?”
“Hey, how was your day?”
“Hi, what are you doing now?”
or “Hey, what do you do for fun?”
…….and a host of others but I’m sure you all get my drift.
Recently I was introduced to a guy because he saw my picture and was going crazy about how I looked and so asked to meet me in person. He was given my phone number and of course, he didn’t bother to call, he just started messaging me on whatsapp. In the initial stage I didn’t really take any deeper look into this but over the course of say two weeks, I noticed that I had never received an actual phone call from this guy.
So without ever giving me a call, he seized and opportunity to visit my yard because of a mutual friend. I still didn’t over analyse this situation and sat outside with him until his friend finished his visit. So this was the first time I saw the guy in person. At first glance, he wasn’t my type, because his eyebrows were shaved even neater than mine and i don’t consider that manly . To make matters worst he was defending his eyebrows being like than by drawing on crazy references such as men who plait their hair which I think are totally different concepts – but that is for another conversation.
So after he left my home, I still continued to receive whatsapp messages. Mark you, I have no issues with receiving whatsapp messages because I use that mode of communication with people I know, but for me, the operative term is “people I know.” Anyway, he continued to message me even after he made no effort to attend a party that we had intended to go, the result of his inaction was discussed in the previous post.
What I find most disturbing about his attempt at courtship is that his conversation had no depth at all. every single day, at least twice or three times a day, he messages to say, “how was your day, whats up, what are you doing now?” I was so completely annoyed. Is it me, or does anyone else think that if you don’t have anything to really talk about with a person, do not try to initiate a conversation because if that person had something to say to you, they would have probably made the first move.
It is annoying when someone sends a message, wake me from my sleep, or disturbs by chain of thought and interrupts whatever activity that I’m doing just to ask me whats up. If you want to know whats up, look up, its not rocket science.
How can you be seeking out a woman and for a period of three weeks you don’t even honor her with a proper phone call. Everyday its the same monotonous message. Life is already monotonous and nothing really changes from day to day. I go to work, then I go to school, then I get home and do assignment. That’s my daily routine, there isn’t much variation especially on during the week. You say you want to get to know me, asking me everyday how my day went is exactly the best way to do that.
I must say, after careful analysis of this and other exact experiences I have had with men of today, I realize that this is also a strategy on their path. Their intent is not really to get to know you and giving you enough information about themselves for you to really get to know them. For this guy in question, here he was being monotonous, when he has a child but he didn’t think that in pursuing a relationship having a child is an important topic for discussion or point of information for the unsuspecting prey. I can only imagine how many details of his real life we could have discussed if his attempt at communication was not so shallow.
Another similar situation was with this guy who apparently has been noticing me for over two years and only recently mustered the courage to express his feelings. the guy lives literally three blocks from me and has never invited me on a date or any such activity. his choice approach was as monotonous as the other guy and believe it or not this was a real conversation we had.
Guy: “hey, whats up”
Me: “not much, its so hot today”
Guy: “are you home?”
Me: “yes, why?”
Guy: “want me to come cool you down?”
Now I must be crazy or something, but according to my limited knowledge in science, unless he planned to install an Air Conditioning unit in my home, there is absolutely no way he could do a better job at cooling me than what my fan was already doing. I may be wrong, but as far as I know the human body generates heat and when they are in contact or close proximity to each other, the heat is transferable.
Anyway, from this I came to the realization that these shallow attempts at “getting to know you” is just a sly attempt at finding some silly lead into projecting some physical or sexual interaction. These men don’t have any real intention to get to know me or you – if your experience is similar. Their intention is to speak to you everyday about some trivial thing to create the facade that your getting to know them and they are getting to know you. If your trying to get to know, find out about where I was and where I’m planning to go. my dreams and aspirations, my hobbies, my beliefs, my thoughts on family etc. These are details that will give you a real idea of whether or not you and someone are compatible and if both your lives can successfully merge with as less conflict as possible.
My advice to men is, please if you know you have no real intentions of really getting to know a woman, then don’t waste her time, state your intentions clearly and move on. Your gimmicks may work with the “Chicken Heads” but for a woman who operates at a higher cognitive level, it takes a lot more than “hey, whats up” to keep her engaged mentally.
Women, please look on for these tactics, because he is trying to communicate to you that he cares by checking in ever so often with the same stupid line and your probably accepting that he does care, but until a guy shows real interest in you as a whole person, looking at your past and your plans for the future etc, he really isn’t interested in “getting to know you”
These days when a guy says he likes you, beware ladies.
I don’t Know if it just me or are these questions similar to your experience as well.
Where do you work?
This question is intended to quickly ascertain whether or not you come with a cost. If your gainfully employed it means that they can get away with not taking up responsibility for you. Note, when people are trying to get to know each other this may be an important detail, but it is even more important when a guy is looking for a quick fix. He searches for the experience that will be least costly to him.
That leads me to questions number two
You man live with you? – or some other variation such as you live alone? you parents mind if you have friends over? ETC.
This is their attempt at being subtle but mind you this is still a ploy to establish what kind of access they will have to you. Funny they first assume that you have a man and by this they also assume that your some kind of skank who is completely willing to cheat on your "supposed man". How does it benefit them if you have a man? Well if you already have a man, he should be the one to cater to your needs in every way (except of course, you know 😉 cuz he wants that to be for him alone) and as such this suitor his hoping to score some free fun from another man's bounty.
Next if you live with your parents, it will cause be a major hindrance to him because his aim is not to meet the parents, some up the courage and ask your father (who he fears) for your hand in marriage. Nuh huh 🙂 . This suitor is as Steve Harvey puts it "sports fishing" and his aim is to score with little to no cost to him. So if you live with your parents, then he doesn't have free access to your house, which translates into him having to prepare an environment for the rendezvous. So if your one with class, he's probably gonna disappear because you will want to know where he lives or if you decide to go that route, you will not subject to the back of his car, so he may have to pay for a real hotel room and not a motel. And we all know how it will go down if the reverse is true 😮
The next question and the one that really pisses me of is
Where you live, when me can come look for you?
Men really have their game plan set for escaping cost. Before this guy even takes you out on a date… a simple date, such as Devon House, for a scoop of ice-cream and a conversation in a neutral environment, he wants to know when can he come look for you.
When this man gets to come look for you, some don’t even have the decency to walk with a little chocolate bar or something and everyone knows that it is decent to take a little gift when you going to people’s yards. But oh no not him, his aim after all is to cut cost. So once he becomes privy to the fact that you live alone, automatically your home becomes and hospital to accommodate visitors.
According to my understanding of dating it is the time period when people usually of opposite physical make up after showing some interest in each other go out in neutral environments in an attempt to get to know each other and discover whether or not their feelings will develop further.
But not in the society that I live in. Dating for these men is a quest to get to the prize with little to no real effort while cutting cost as low as possible. Their aim in coming to look for you is that after a couple times, you will invite them in because knowing Jamaican parents and grandparents, they sure taught you that it is impolite to entertain guests outside. Then when they get inside, they hope to become cozy and get to the pie, all while you bear the expenses.
A male friend of mine once laid it out to me like this;
When a man asks to come look for you, his hope is to get to the fruit without having to incur any costs. You being a good host, you let him inside your house, he sits, you turn on the TV or radio for entertainment. You offer him a drink and depending on the time of day, he may even score a meal, all at your expense. Oh, and don’t forget the lights because this visit is usually pops up in the night.
The truth is ladies, dating costs money and yes we are living in trying times where the economy is concerned. But the men have fully worked out how to continue to make scores without standing any cost. This has been going on for years but has become more prevalent in present day. Please, beware of these men.
Delight in the simple and be reasonable with your expectations for date venues. We are all facing a recession even the men. Pick up a tab here and there when you can, but look out for these tricks and don’t allow yourself to get played. You can only be successful at the game if you know the rules. 😉
First I must say sorry for not posting for such a long period but between work and school, we were both swamped and overwhelmed so the only time available to us was used for sleep, and we all know how important that is.
Anyway, I want to share with you my weekend experience and also to get you thoughts about the occurrence 🙂 . I went to an after work jam with my Bestie and here is how the night unfolded.
Let me say, I thought men in the professional world should at least have a little something more about them than the average man on the streets buy boy was I wrong. While I was at the party, I was mingling and getting reacquainted with persons who I’d worked with two years ago when I saw a man approaching but rather than walking around, that big blob decided to walk right between me and the person who I was talking to. If that wasn’t bad enough, rather than saying excuse me or some other utterance of respect and grooming, he just started talking to me. Of course I didn’t hear what he said because i was focused on the conversation which I was previously engaged in.
I discovered from this irritating situation that this man is a man of authority trusted with making decisions about the country’s security. Oh, excuse me. So I guess that’s why he thought he had the authority to walk up to a total stranger and just butt into their conversation? Anyway, since I didn’t hear what he has said I asked him to repeat (not because I really wanted to hear but more so because of the environment I was in) but Mr. Man (I’ll be referring to him as such) excused himself because he was too big to repeat himself and I should have heard him when he first spoke.
No problem. I was standing in that same area for most of the time at the party because of course; we have mutual friends so from this I noticed that he looking at me quite intensely and whispering to our mutual friend – possibly about me. The music was getting good and were were ready to “shell di party” hence we decided to get something at the bar, just to help with building the party vibe.
My bestie and I, along with the mutual friend to Mr. Man, went to the bar to get the drinks. Before I knew it, Mr. Man appeared from nowhere and was right beside me. I reached for my drink and proceeded to get a cup with ice and can you believe the nerve of this Nigga? Mind you he’s a complete stranger to me but I guess his position of authority in his job was once again his point of reference in a social environment because he started playing with my drink. He moved it once and I took it and placed it in front of me and to my astonishment or maybe it was the lack of a pleasant expression on my face that encouraged him to do it again…but he did it once again.
So I left the drink and walked away. What was most appalling about this situation is that this blob was not the one buying the drink but that didn’t stop him from trying to use it as an opportunity to make a pass at me – a very poor attempt might I add. Our mutual friend soon realized that I was upset and wanted to know what was going on. At this point I decided to defuse the situation by taking the drink since my good friend was paying and the drink was in a bottle and I also used the opportunity to let him know that his friend was being a pest. It was at this point that our mutual friend informed me that “him like you man, that’s why him a gwaan so.”
We went back to our little spot, the party continued and soon we were surprised by an entourage of artists comprised of Ninja Man, Major Mackerel and some of the younger generation artists as well. The two senior artist were having a clash, much to the crowd’s delight and I decided to join in the fun. The venue wasn’t crowded so it was easy for me to find my way to the front, just a few meters away from where the artists were standing.
There I was enjoying the lyrical exchange between Ninja Man and Major Mackerel (thumbs up to them) when I heard someone shouting “Ninja, Ninja, Desmond” over and over again. Soon this same idiot was pushing against me with hands stretched out, trying to get Ninja Man’s attention.
Can you guess who the idiot was?
Yes, You guessed it, the same big blob who I refer to as Mr. Man. I was so annoyed and I said it out loud for him to hear. He stopped for a little while and before I knew it, there he was again pushing and shoving against me to get Ninja Man’s attention. Mark you, we were about 10 meters or less from away from the artists and I’m sure he could hear this man shouting his name and at no point did he make any attempt to acknowledge him. I don’t know if he was trying to be noticed or what but my question is why would a man of his stature be putting out so much effort to be noticed by Ninja Man ? – no disrespect intended.
My level of irritation was rising much more than I wanted and so i walked away. My bestie then came over to me really upset and told me that after I walked away, Mr. Man didn’t hold back in expressing his disgust towards me in his careful selection of a few choice words… and I quote,
“a wah happen to da dutty bloodclaat ugly gal deh?”
This is who he was supposedly referring to in those terms 😦
I’m sure your shocked but I wasn’t. My bestie was so upset she wanted to leave at this point but i calmed her down and we decided to stay because we really came to support the venture. Also a group of us were planning on going club hopping after the proceedings of the after work jam concluded.
The party went on and a Deputy Commissioner arrived and my bestie and I were talking to him and a Superintendent. Guess who showed up? Right again you are. Mr. Asshole *note the status upgrade. Once more he has managed to just worm his way into a conversation in his desperate attempt to be noticed and once again I walked away.
About half an hour later, Mr. Asshole was beside me once more, doing what you might wonder. He was attempting to apologize for what he had said because he knew that my best friend had told me what she heard him say. At this point I continued to ignore him and he finally made one intelligent choice for the night and walked away.
What I have to say about all of this is always start on a high level when you approach people because when you start on a high you can always reduce your position as the encounter gets more cozy or as you become more familiar with the person but never start on the ground with people because you will never get a chance to increase you level. Contrary to what you think, you can never wipe the slate clean. Even if you apologize, you would’ve already left a bad taste in the persons mouth and this is unforgettable. Though the person may accept your apology they will never see you more than the first impression you made.
secondly, I have already interrogated the Issue of mistakes men make in their approach towards different women (see post on Bleach-Blond-Barbie Dolls) so I’m not gonna go into it again. But I must say, If your a professional man, especially one charged with the responsibility bestowed on such an author figure such as the coot I encountered, rest assured we expect better from you. Don’t try to use your position to solicit women because not all women will respond to that and if you don’t get the grape because you were an asshole, please don’t call it sour.