Thank you for the Loss of Sleep

you not only act like a child but you have discredited all the actions that I have taken today which to a normal, mature, well thinking individual would prove that I am taking steps that aren’t normal and are out of my way to show you how I feel. But all that is irrelevant right? Because you have decided that your ego has been hurt or bruised, by no deliberate action of mine. You eavesdrop on a conversation, take a snippet of it out of context and now I’m held in contempt. even when I have brought up several situations where you have done worst to me deliberately, you still remain dismissive. you have dismissed my feelings, you have dismissed my efforts and you have dismissed me. At the very least, even though you had no real grounds to be upset, I acknowledged your hurt, walked in your shoes, and apologized, but that wasn’t enough. You can’t fit in my shoes, because all you can see is your ego. you cant see how your histrionics have caused me hurt. no all you see is your hurt, all you can see if your self. even though I asked you not to go to bed angry at me, apologized sincerely and reassured you of my affections, I was still dismissed. I really do hope you will sleep well. Ill be losing sleep, tonight, and maybe tomorrow night, but eventually I will sleep fine.

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The Voice Inside My Head

Why the hell cant I just say what wtf I want to say to  people? Why is it that even when my unbridled tongue is justified I still hold back? Am I a coward?

Countless times, friends, family, relations and otherwise piss me off so much. They do so much to disrespect me, to hurt me deliberately or otherwise. All these instances arise from them not ever thinking of how what they say and sometimes do will affect me. As long as they are comfortable people feel the need to say whatever comes to mind, no matter the repercussions.

But as for me I can never muster up the courage or whatever is necessary to be so blunt with a person even when it is deserved. This officially pisses me off. Why cant I just say what I fucking think and just get it over with? I always end up having arguments with myself in my head of the things that I should have said. And this is not because I am not witty enough to have said them on spot, because I usually think of them at the time but I always end up saying some milder version in an attempt not to completely crush a person.

For someone who usually does’t care to be friends with a person who I’ve argued with, I really go through pain staking measures not to cause irreparable damage. Even today, I found myself typing an entire text message to send out and deleting the whole thing because I knew it would have caused serious hurt to the receiver. But what I typed needs to be said and exactly in the words that I typed it. Now its not and wont expressed typed or otherwise. The context and atmosphere befitting is null and as such the impact will be diminished and possibly miss interpreted. So now and like many other instances, I live with what I want to say on the inside and sometimes, most times even if opportunity presents itself more than once, I still never say what I really want to say.

The way I see it is that even if I don’t care to be friends with a person, a person is a person and I should still be considerate of his/her feelings. But why though, since no one seems to be considerate of mine.

Even though I wish I could just tell people what the fuck I really want to say to them, the truth is I don’t have it in me. I end up feeling horrible if I say something really nasty to a person, even if its the truth, so inadvertently, I hurt myself.

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.