The thinking

undermounted

I am who I am, inspite of many things. I have been shaped and developed, molded and bent…but I have never been broken. I have chosen to live how I do. Chosen to make the difficult decisions, knowing they would not be easy. My baggage is colorful, with many pieces, but it can easily be handled and carried by myself alone. But there are moments when it seems too hard…that I have had to be strong too long. I am competent but it doesn’t mean I don’t want  someone to help me. The idea that I could be protected, cherished, cared for and loved, seems like a distant childhood memory. Too many times people shut down, become hardened by their experiences, but I am not one of them. Perhaps its because I made the choice to be where I am, knowing what would happen as a result. Maybe its because…

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The Voice Inside My Head

Why the hell cant I just say what wtf I want to say to  people? Why is it that even when my unbridled tongue is justified I still hold back? Am I a coward?

Countless times, friends, family, relations and otherwise piss me off so much. They do so much to disrespect me, to hurt me deliberately or otherwise. All these instances arise from them not ever thinking of how what they say and sometimes do will affect me. As long as they are comfortable people feel the need to say whatever comes to mind, no matter the repercussions.

But as for me I can never muster up the courage or whatever is necessary to be so blunt with a person even when it is deserved. This officially pisses me off. Why cant I just say what I fucking think and just get it over with? I always end up having arguments with myself in my head of the things that I should have said. And this is not because I am not witty enough to have said them on spot, because I usually think of them at the time but I always end up saying some milder version in an attempt not to completely crush a person.

For someone who usually does’t care to be friends with a person who I’ve argued with, I really go through pain staking measures not to cause irreparable damage. Even today, I found myself typing an entire text message to send out and deleting the whole thing because I knew it would have caused serious hurt to the receiver. But what I typed needs to be said and exactly in the words that I typed it. Now its not and wont expressed typed or otherwise. The context and atmosphere befitting is null and as such the impact will be diminished and possibly miss interpreted. So now and like many other instances, I live with what I want to say on the inside and sometimes, most times even if opportunity presents itself more than once, I still never say what I really want to say.

The way I see it is that even if I don’t care to be friends with a person, a person is a person and I should still be considerate of his/her feelings. But why though, since no one seems to be considerate of mine.

Even though I wish I could just tell people what the fuck I really want to say to them, the truth is I don’t have it in me. I end up feeling horrible if I say something really nasty to a person, even if its the truth, so inadvertently, I hurt myself.

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

prelude to the death of a fling

the turbulence starts

initiated by nothing

like a gentle breeze

its the calm before the storm, then

your flung into a world wind

the things that were once attractive

becomes what sets it off

your at fault in all you do

simple everyday actions take on

new interpretations

you find yourself justifying

explaining, holding back

more and more

everyday, a piece of your soul

dies, a slow death

you’ve erased so much of

who you are you?

You ask your self, as you destroy who you were

to become who he wants

but its never enough, the distance still grows

your pain is ignored, the tears flow

unnoticed, your hurt unresolved;

ricochets, inside you

with no escape,

and while you lose yourself,

you still lose what you lost you for.A81ECJ

For Inhibitions

Life has a strange way of kicking me

Every time I go against my instinct

The walls come crumbling

Happiness is just an illusion

Why do I bother to chase it?

The moment I let go of inhibitions

Take a plunge

Make the attempt, against better judgment

To live, to laugh

Life just takes over

And reminds me just how muck

It sucks

In everything, there is a time; a place

A season and a reason

Some get everything and some

Get nothing

They cycle of life continues

Just a few lines of my thoughts  written in 2 minutes and a reminder that my happiness should really solely depend on me because every time I leave it up to someone else, I always end up recovering, pulling myself out of some unnecessary trench of sorrow, pain and heartache. I’ve never disappointed myself and I have learned from  long ago that the only one I can truly depend on is myself. But like most I suffer from that one flaw that unfortunately I can’t correct…I am human.

A friend once asked me if reincarnation was real, what would I want to come back as? I said a fish and my friend got very upset, because, he thought that I was stupid to want to be a creature of chance. Just a little fish without intelligence,  a thing that can be caught in a net and just die or be eaten or something like that. Of course he forgot that there are actually bigger fishes in the sea that don’t necessarily live such a chance life, but that was irrelevant because I really wasn’t thinking of being a whale. Just a tiny fish with the entire ocean surrounding me.

My friend actually was appalled that a human being would denounced being human, the greatest thing ever invented, and choose to be an insignificant fish. But, it was much deeper than that for me. Humans believe or not are really not all that.

“Blue is the ocean
Calling me in
Calling me near
If I could only learn
To breathe down here
I know I would be
At home under the sea
Yeah” ___Leanne Rimes

This verse at that time and for many years while I was growing up spoke to me because it encapsulated my exact feeling about life as a human. And today, in a time when I was most happy, in a split second I was brought right back to this place. But hey, on the bright side, I have learned to swim and now I can actually take a real plunge in the ocean every once in a while. Come to think of it,  the ocean did play a part of what sank my happiness today, but I’m not letting that ruin the sea for me, after all, it really was an innocent bystander in the whole shebang.

I still hold steadfast to my desire to be a fish. If hurt is all I can get from humans, I’ll take my chances in the sea, second time around.

P.S. Ignore the context, focus on the art.

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Something

The gift of my pain
is what I write
Intricately woven
into something
Something worthwhile
However;
now I don’t feel pain
I just feel numb
I feel lost
Like I should be
doing something
Something more
Something worthwhile
but
for now
I write
because
my pain
is something
Something more
Something worthwhile

pain
PhotoCredit: globalenglishclubkhaskempek.wordpress.com

All the Damage is already done

“You don’t have to say your sorry
for all the wrongs that you have done
I don’t want to hear sad story
for the damage is already done”
credit: Anthony B

I was gonna name this post Glass House. But, in most cases, a glass house is something that you build for yourself, however in my case, the pieces of my soul that constantly shatter was not something that I chose but what was chosen or rather forced on me.  Just when I think that I have triumphed and climbed out of the shadows of a dismal life, suddenly there is this one pebble which I never usually see coming, and I am left picking up the pieces days later.

I suddenly find my self reliving the insults, the wounds, the pain, the emotional and social degradation, and the overall crippling feeling that this will never end.
I fought for it to end. I diligently waited the time and I did what I needed to.  The thing about this kind of hurt, I realize, is that though the circumstances have changed and I am no longer shackled in physical chains and having to face belittlement everyday, the emotional scars never heal. They simply morph into an invisible chattel that will control me for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I was telling a friend that I haven’t written a blog post in ages and I think that its because I have been so happy lately . I am just not in that dismal state of mind that seems to spark my creativity. So I thought, why not write about being happy and encourage others to live for the day and be happy as well? But I’m no longer high on happiness because the ghosts from childhood past has reared their ugly heads again. This time, they came to remind me that I will never be able to honestly share who I am with anyone.

The gory details of my life will ultimately traumatize anyone who I share them with. Which means their impression of the person I am will change.  The years  I spent  building a strong character will be diminished  into a vulnerable, disadvantaged child. Basically, my life puts people in an awkward position, just like it has put me in an awkward position and will continue to be awkward for the rest of my life.

Its not fair that I have to carry this burden, but its also not fair to unleash it on someone else. And whats worst, I don’t see any form of healing or recovery from this because so much damage is already done.

Broken-SapnaChand

Stop allowing men to dictate our standards

I have been thinking lately about the condition of the present society that we live in. This thinking is in relation to how women view themselves and how responsible are men for these views.

I live in Jamaica, where female self respect is significantly declining and women who have standards are seen as an anomaly.

For years women have been accepting being referred to as bitches and hos but we have reached an all time low as women are gyrating  without consideration to lyrics such as “Walk Like a Dog.”

The truth of the matter is that both Dancehall culture and Rap culture seem to be hell bent on degrading women. Many will look at it as entertainment but to me it is sickening.  Why are women so quick to sink to the lows dictated by men rather than to stand up for themselves and command respect.

What entertainment can one get from walking like a dog?  What’s ironic,  is that female dogs in reality do not “cock up and piss” so why are these women mimicking the actions of a male dog while the men look on. Why aren’t the males walking like dogs and doing what male dogs do.

Things like this have been going on for years and if you look into the media you can see how the female is consistently degraded while the men are protected. When you watch a film, they have no issues showing the full female anatomy naked but you will never see a man completely naked  showing his package. It just never happens. Recently however, they have been bringing the cameras lower and you’ll see a male butt here and there but never the full package.

I am not saying that I want to see naked men in films, I am just saying that the same respect that is paid to the male anatomy should be afforded to the female. A woman should not be lead to believe that she has to be completely naked to be attractive because even with this there are negative spin offs.
I am sure it is nice for everyone to see a well toned woman wearing little to no clothes, case in point;

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but the reverse however is not true. All women suffer basically from most of the same insecurities, same sources of confidence and the same desires and as such you will have other women who are not so pleasing to look at walking around naked as well. I am not saying here that a woman should not be comfortable in her skin but comfort is not synonymous with being naked and the truth is that somethings are better when covered.

Another thing that upsets me is the audacity of some men who can’t go five seconds without referring to a woman as a bitch or a ho. The truth some of them need to thank God for money because they look like characters out of Sci Fi movies

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If it wasn’t for money some of these men wouldn’t even be able to walk near some of the women they are calling hos and bitches and its a damn shame. We all need money to survive, women do not need it more than any other species and as such we must stop acting like it. Don’t continue to allow all sorts of men to use money as a motivator for you to lose all self respect. They’re the same ones who turn around and say your not suitable for marriage, etc because nothing about you is a secret.

Life was not meant to be this way. Women should continue to expect proper respectful courtship from a man which leads to a marriage and family. Women stop falling for less than what you deserve. Don’t continue to allow men to dictate your standards because we can already see how low they have put them.

Inverted

The source of your greatest pleasure

is often the source of your greatest pain

You are taken on a high

By some random person, at some random time

You let your guard down

You’re without care

You feel light as air

Gravity doesn’t even exist

Then after days, weeks, even months

Reality strikes and gravity surprises you

You free fall from that high point

of perpetual bliss, and you find that

your ceiling is quickly morphing into  a floor

Your high point suddenly becomes

a dark deep hole you can’t climb out of

You always thought there was significant distance

between up and down

but like the thin line between

love and hate

joy and sorrow

life and death

It is fragile

A simple footstep makes a difference

A single action or non action

A single day, a single minute

and your left agonizing

over the whys and hows

Tormented by the what was to be

and the what was.

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Image courtesy of Unsplash.

 

Inspired by http://writeonedge.com/2014/05/writing-prompt-2014-week-20/

Aloha

This poem was written in hopes of being read at my wedding as a pledge to the man I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. I later found out that everything he ever said to me was a lie – and I mean everything. However, though I will not be using this poem to pledge my love for him, I decided to share it anyway, because, though he was lying, every word of it is true and came from my heart.

I title it Aloha, because in Hawaiian, Aloha is used to express both hello and goodbye, which basically sums up the world wind of fake romance, that I recently experienced.

Here goes,

 

You engross my mind

I think of you always

like a breath of fresh air

you revitalize my heart

which has awaken from a coma

Your voice is a delight

I love your voice

when you gently whisper my name

I love the way you laugh

at the silliest of things

I think of you always

I replay our conversations

every word, every syllable inspires

a smile – hovers over my face

like clouds on a rainy day

I think of you always

you doubt I feel the way you do

but faith said go ahead

so I love you simply

because you asked me to.

 

“Love makes time pass but time makes love pass”.I have never been so badly deceived in my whole life and it will be a hell of a struggle to recover from this whole situation but it too shall pass – in time.

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Hawaiian sunset

Share Your World – 2014 Week 17

 

What are some words that just make you smile?

The word crep (good looking trainers, likely to be wanted by rudeboys) just cracks me up. there are also other really silly words that are in the Jamaican creole that have been dormant for years and when I hear them now randomly, I just have to laugh and say how did they come up with that?

When you lose electricity in a storm, do you light the candles or turn on the flashlight? How many of each do you own?

I keep a flashlight in a drawer beside my bed, I also usually have a flashlight app on my phone so I quickly turn on whichever flashlights to use to aid me to locate candles. I have possibly two real flashlights and packs of candles around my house.

What is the longest book you ever read?

I studied literature all throughout high school and also in college and have read so many books but I can’t really say which was the longest. I kinda hated King Henry IV, so I would say that’s the longest book I have read though its really a small book. I don’t usually go for books with too many pages or too small a print so I don’t force myself to read long books.

So you win a pet monkey at a fair, but this isn’t just any old monkey. It can do one trick for you whenever you want from getting a pop out of the fridge to washing your hair. What would be the trick?

Teleportation. I would love to move from one place to somewhere more relaxing without all the effort of travelling and without having arrange time off, air fear etc. basically avoid those things that make travelling unattainable for many.

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

I am grateful that I have come to realize that I was being completely deceived by someone who I had complete faith and trust in. I am thankful that I got baptized and I am looking forward  to restoring myself from the pain of deception and to walking with God through faith and everything else that comes with a spiritual journey.

* I am still unable to follow up posting these weekly at this point, but I had some tie and decided to Jump in on this one.

Share Your World – 2014 Week 17