“You don’t have to say your sorry
for all the wrongs that you have done
I don’t want to hear sad story
for the damage is already done”
credit: Anthony B
I was gonna name this post Glass House. But, in most cases, a glass house is something that you build for yourself, however in my case, the pieces of my soul that constantly shatter was not something that I chose but what was chosen or rather forced on me. Just when I think that I have triumphed and climbed out of the shadows of a dismal life, suddenly there is this one pebble which I never usually see coming, and I am left picking up the pieces days later.
I suddenly find my self reliving the insults, the wounds, the pain, the emotional and social degradation, and the overall crippling feeling that this will never end.
I fought for it to end. I diligently waited the time and I did what I needed to. The thing about this kind of hurt, I realize, is that though the circumstances have changed and I am no longer shackled in physical chains and having to face belittlement everyday, the emotional scars never heal. They simply morph into an invisible chattel that will control me for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I was telling a friend that I haven’t written a blog post in ages and I think that its because I have been so happy lately . I am just not in that dismal state of mind that seems to spark my creativity. So I thought, why not write about being happy and encourage others to live for the day and be happy as well? But I’m no longer high on happiness because the ghosts from childhood past has reared their ugly heads again. This time, they came to remind me that I will never be able to honestly share who I am with anyone.
The gory details of my life will ultimately traumatize anyone who I share them with. Which means their impression of the person I am will change. The years I spent building a strong character will be diminished into a vulnerable, disadvantaged child. Basically, my life puts people in an awkward position, just like it has put me in an awkward position and will continue to be awkward for the rest of my life.
Its not fair that I have to carry this burden, but its also not fair to unleash it on someone else. And whats worst, I don’t see any form of healing or recovery from this because so much damage is already done.